Platform Shoe-ins

I've decided, belatedly, to run for President.

Please vote for me.

Here is where I stand on the issues...actually I prefer to sit...in a chair at the beach...

1) I am absolutely Pro-Choice. I believe that the government should choose whether or not a woman should have an abortion. Then I believe the woman should have the constitutional right to choose to do the opposite if she wants to.

2) I am a staunch environmentalist. I believe in the environment. I believe we should all have the right to one. Environmentally speaking of course.

3) I am pro-military. I think we should have guns and tanks and a lot of soldiers.
They should all be assigned to as many bases as we can have. But I think they shouldn't have any bullets or bombs because they might kill someone and, as we have been exhaustively reminded over the years, "Thou shalt not kill." Except for mosquitos. No one likes mosquitos. No one would mind if we killed a few hundred thousand. And the soldiers should all be on First Base because we would all then know "Who's on First."

4) We should have full employment. We should all be employed. We should all be working. I believe in full employment.

5) Everyone who wants an education should be able to have one. Therefore I pledge to build a school. One. That will be enough for all of the people who want an education. We don't need to waste the taxpayers hard earned money on more than one. All of the rest of the population already knows everything. Why would they want to go to school? All of those tests and facts and paper writing. Why would we waste money on that? Tell me. Why?

6) I believe in gay marriage. I believe all marriages should be gay. And to that end I support reintroducing the word "gay" into the language in it's earlier form. Have a "gay" old time...the "gay" nineties...etc. I firmly believe in gaiety in marriage. Too many un-gay marriages fail because they are not gay enough. Gay on Garth...

7) Lastly, I believe we should all be allowed to___________________________. Fill in the blank here. After this election we will be on the road to full anarchy here in the U.S. So, in that spirit, I will empower every American with the unalienable (look it up...it's in the copy at the U.S. Dept. of State...nah nah...!) right to institute a law of their own creation and then to have the right to live by it.

And I believe in abolishing all of the roads and the 911 system (except the use of 911 when it applies to remembering September 11 when a lot of people died) People should be entitled to take care of themselves regardless of the circumstances. If your cat is stuck in a tree just cut the tree down. Two benefits: One is that you'll have your cat back and two, you can use the tree for fuel to heat and cook with thereby getting yourself off of the "grid" and saving energy.

Thank you for your time and your vote. When I'm elected I'll ask you to bring your own chicken to put into the pot...or is it your own pot to put into the chicken.

Got confused there. So much to think about...so little time...so few who care.

Any suggestions for a Vice-President? A woman...a child...a pet?