Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Not Me For President

I've decided to remove all speculation about my intentions to seek the presidency in 2012.

I'm not running.

My decision is unequivocal and final. I didn't even have to discuss it with my family.

My answer is no. Don't ask and don't write me in. I won't accept a draft (I prefer wine if you must know. White, slightly chilled and fruity but not too young.)

I'm not interested.

At least for now. Today. Right now.

The truth is I probably won't be interested tomorrow either.

Or the next day or the next. I don't think, actually, that it will ever be in my plans. I don't see it on my personal horizon.

The reason is simple. The job sucks. Sure you get to fly around in your own helicopter and get room service whenever and wherever you want. And you get to meet very cool people simply by inviting them over to the "House", an invitation they will probably not turn down.

But that's where the fun stops.

I can't imagine a worse gig in the WORLD than having to deal with the Republicans (and some Democrats, to be fair) in Congress every single day.

To think that I would propose a perfectly good idea for the country with the ability to command the military and access to the "button" but have to engage in idiotic debates with the morons in The House and The Senate.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" (as my friend Cal would say.)

The problem, as I see it, is that we have no real leaders anymore. The days of Franklin and Adams and Paine and Henry are long gone. Now we have Boehner and McConnell and Lieberman and Obama.

Excellence and oratory (I know, I know...Obama is a great "orator". Spare me...!) and good spelling have given way to mediocrity and texting and "Jersey Shore." Oh Lord, do I long for the days of Jerry Springer. At least HE was somewhat intelligent. He has to be to have parlayed (from the French for "to talk") a program about brain-dead dysfunction into a multi-million dollar empire.

Maybe if I opened a store and sold bags of dog crap people would come from all over and buy it by the pound (no pun intended...) and I, too, would become filthy (again, no pun intended...) rich.

But I'm not that smart. I'm just an average Joe trying to "make it to the bell."

Which brings me full circle and, thus, gives me pause ( pun intended...but a good one nonetheless..."Pause - Paws"...get it?)

Maybe, because I am an average Joe I should run for president. I would be just like all the rest of those a-holes who are fighting so hard for the right to be hated by half of the country and most of the world and don't have the intellect to come in out of the rain.


I don't think so. As Jimmy Stewart famously told Mr. Potter after Potter offered him a job, "I don't have to think about it."

I don't. My decision still stands.

I'm not running for president.

Absolutely, positively, totally, maybe NOT!


Send your tax-deductible contributions to the above address and be sure to include your phone number and email address so I can send you unwanted Spam and robo-call you into the nut house.

Thank you for your support. See ya at the polls...!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I Love Denis Leary, Part II

Merry Christmas!

That sums it up.

Traffic. Too many people. Shopping. Did I mention traffic?

It starts on Labor Day. Christmas songs at the gas pump. Holiday lights still up from last year. Anxiety about what to buy and not having enough money with which to buy it.

All of that said, today is the beginning (and almost the end...) of Christmas as far as I am concerned. Christmas Eve.

When I was little, Santa Claus brought everything on Christmas Eve after I'd gone to bed. The tree, the lights, the presents. He ate the cookies and drank the milk. Christmas morning was unbelievable.

The glow of the lights around the corner before seeing the tree, all decorated and surrounded by gifts of all sizes and shapes.

Christmas. "It's Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS...!"

Now it's reduced to "SALE...50% off at the register." And you can't even say the words without some jackass calling you politically incorrect for doing so. Screw you and the sleigh you rode in on, you reindeer's ass!

I'm not the only one who feels this way. Almost everybody does. It just ain't the same as it was when we were kids. And while I'm at it...where the hell is the snow!? At least in Southern New England...we ain't got no snow. What is up with that! I may be dreaming of a white Christmas but so far all we've got is brown...! When I was a child we went sledding or skating on Christmas.
Now we mow the lawn!

And on top of it all comes the unfortunate claim that The Salvation Army is anti-gay. Now the pennies in the pot go to a "charity" that, allegedly, promotes hatred, bias and discrimination, however indirectly.


Just what we needed. The idea that a group that does good in the community, especially at this time of year, is accused of being narrowminded and exclusionary.

Never mind that you can get designer jeans with the tags still on them for 1% of what you would pay for them at retail. The store is a part of the organization and now they are tainted. Besmirched. (Great word, besmirched. Say it again. Besmirched. Very satisfying.)

Too bad.

But it's par for the course. Most of what we think turns out to be lies anyway.

Send our kids to war for good reasons?

Nope...mostly lies.

Elect the best of the best?

Nope...mostly cowards and crooks.

Trust our leaders?

Nope...mostly pedophiles.

Allegedly. (and slightly exaggerated for effect...)

So, in the wonderful words of the genius, Denis Leary:

"Merry Christmas."

And to all a Good Luck!

We sure as hell need some.

Friday, December 23, 2011

You Can't Judge a Book...

I passed a minivan today with a "Palin Power" bumper sticker on it's back window. That would, technically, make it a back window sticker but that's not important right now.

It was the sign itself that got my attention not its' placement. I immediately drew a conclusion about the driver and just as quickly developed a pretty good case of attitude. Not quite Road Rage. Let's call it Road Irritation.

I assumed that the driver was an idiot and sped up to see exactly what I was dealing with. With no other information at my disposal I already hated the driver and I hadn't even seen him yet.

Well, she looked normal enough, blond, middle-aged and focused on her driving. Reasonable characteristics? Reasonable woman?


Anyone who would willingly display their advocacy and support for Sarah Palin is either developmentally challenged, oblivious and/or dangerous...or possibly an almalgam of all three.

Or the hapless driver borrowed the car from someone with the abovementioned characteristics and our heroine was just inattentive to details.

Sarah Palin gave us the supreme gift of temporarily receding from public view and declining to throw her hat into the ring of this cycle's presidential politics.

I say temporarily because, in this country, you never know. Richard Nixon lost and then he came back to win. It took Ronald Reagan several tries to reach the top. And we must never forget the Red Sox who took a VERY LONG TIME to finally win the World Series.

It's the American Way. Fail because you suck and then wait a bit and keep trying and, eventually, the public will forget that you are a JACKASS and will elect you.
Obviously the Sox don't fit into this description but they made for a great example.
Sue me...

Palin could yet return to the stage to fill the hole created by the fact that the Republicans have been unable to coalesce around any one candidate. First it's Romney, then it's Bachmann, the next thing it's Perry, then it's Gingrich, then Paul (Ron, not McCartney) and then it's Romney...again.

The Republicans are just not that thrilled. Like her or not, Sarah Palin has a knack of getting people all worked up about her. Some folks love her and others...DON'T!!!!!!!!

So this clown in the minivan represents that part of the electorate who, if Sarah Palin were to announce a belated candidacy, would rush to support her.

Maybe she would run with Jeb Bush.

Palin/Bush 2012.

Now that's truly a nightmare scenario.

Merry Christmas...

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Lesser of Too Evils...

Mitt Romney?

You have got to be kidding.

Please, God, tell me that he's not going to be the nominee. Please!

Mitt Romney, absolutely and unequivocally, represents all that is wrong with modern society.

I have no problem with someone changing his mind. I do it all of the time. Chocolate? No, Pistachio. Pacino? No, De Niro. Italy? No, France. I am forever changing what I think. It all depends on the situation and whatever new information I have that may influence my position. It's called "using my intellect." I try to while others don't.

By no means am I the next intellectual "Coming" no stretch of the imagination. But I exercise my mind enough to know that I don't even come close to knowing everything and, if I maintain a stance for, or against, something solely based on old data then I consign myself to the trash heap of failed analysis.

I have two words for you, Dear Reader: Christopher Columbus. Now, while he did not, in fact, discover the New World, he helped reframe the conversation about the shape of the planet and people began to realize that it was round and not flat.

New information helping to define a new way of thinking.

But Mitt Romney doesn't change his mind based on new and better information. He changes it for reasons of political expediency.

One minute he's pro-choice (when he's running for governor in Left-leaning Massachusetts) and the next minute he's pro-life (when he's trying to garner the support of the evangelical base while running for president.)

One minute he's for healthcare mandates (when he's running for governor in Left-leaning Massachusetts)and the next minute he's lambasting Obama for proposing the exact same thing (when he's trying to garner the support of "Death Panel" adherents while running for president.) By the way, lest we forget, Obama's mandate concept was developed, in large part, by examining the new information found in Romney's Massachusetts model. So there!

One minute he's talking about the "American People" and the burdened (and disappearing...) Middle Class (when he's trying to garner the support of the "American People" while running for president) and the next minute he's proposing a $10,000 bet to Governor Rick "Raise My Salary While Millions Go Down In Financial Flames" Perry to put to rest, forever, the issue of his (Romney's) healthcare mandate in Massachusetts, showing a total and complete insensitivity to the "American People", many of whom don't even make $10,000 a year (when he's trying to garner the support of the "American People" while running for president.)

So...Mitt Romney is full of baloney. He's not an intellectual powerhouse who sifts through information in order to find the best possible answer to any given question.

He's a politician (NO....REALLY...who knew...?!)

And so are the others running for the Republican nomination. Gingrich, with his overwhelming ego. Perry with is preaching. Bachmann with her non-facts. Huntsman with his...uh. Huntsman? Who? Remind me of who Huntsman is, exactly? Santorum with his inflexibility. Paul with his wierd ideas. And his two first names. President Paul? President Ron? Help me here...

They are all so unacceptable they are frightening. But so were the Bushes, pere and fils.

And we elected them. And don't bore me with the sloganeering about how neither Bush was "our president." Our laziness and inaction elected them as much as if we had voted for them outright.

President Romney. Another blow-dried, French speaking, White, European, clueless multi-millionaire trying to convince us that he "understands" us and knows how to "fix" our problems. Just like he did as chairman of Bain when he bought, and cannibalized, healthy companies and laid off thousands.

And don't EVER forget what he said, in response to a reporter's question, about what his sons were doing to serve their country during the height of the Iraq War:

"One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping to get me elected.”

Tell that to the widows, orphans, parents and friends of the dead soldiers who came home in pine boxes through Dover.

Your arrogance and cowardice are too much sir.

You don't deserve to be president.