Knock, Knock...

What are you if you are against Obama's health care plan, in part, because it mandates having insurance...but...you advocate state mandated vaccination against HPV for young girls?

What are you if you are pro-life but govern a state with the highest incident of execution in the country?

What are you if you claim to follow Jesus ("Love Thy Neighbor", etc...)but you don't support gay marriage?

You are a hypocrite.

Oh...and you are Rick Perry.

Sounds like...

Have you heard Rick Perry speak? I mean, have you heard his voice? I mean, have you heard the sound of his voice in your ears?

He sounds uncannily like George W. Bush.

Now we all know that W is a New England born preppy who adopted Texspeak because it made him seem more manly. He sounded more like a manly man rather than a Blue Blood patrician snob.

Got it. We all have our affectations. I, for example, am partial to Brooklynese. I was, in fact, born in Queens which, I know, is not Brooklyn but it's close and a bona fide part of New York City...although some very old timers would argue, and not without merit, that Brooklyn is not a part of New York City but a proud city of it's own.

But let's not "go there" and rehash whether or not the Dodgers should have moved to L.A. What's done is done. Get over it and move on.

I am partial to Brooklynese because, when I affect a Brooklyn accent, it makes me sound like a gangster. I sound like a "made man." I am Tony Soprano. Well, actually, I'm Carmine Lupertazzi who is from Brooklyn. Tony is from New Jersey which has it's own accent and is also not a part of New York City although it would like to be...Snooki notwithstanding.

"Yo! I'm ovuh heeyuh now. Fuhgeddabowdit!"

Yeah...that's it. Just call me Joey...or Vin or Sally or Tone. I'm baaaaad now!

But back to Little Ricky. He sounds so much like Bush that it's frightening. Close your eyes and you would swear that you're listening to George.

GOD!!!!

I can't think of anything more unappealing and downright scary than electing a man that sounds like W.

Four to eight more years of that twangy, drawling drivel.

Y'all can do better 'n that!

Republicans should vote Romney. He actually sounds like what W would sound like if he hadn't taken on the Texas thing.

But then again Texas did give us Western Swing. And that's great music. For all of it's bombast, you can't fault Texas completely.

Bob Wills and The Texas Playboys.

Now dat's a beeeyouteeful ting!

Help!! I'm a Republican...

Contrary to popular misconception, I am a thinking man.

I examine and analyze. I ponder...

And it is because of that, that I am quandrified. I am in a quandary.

For many, many years now I have thought of myself as a self-respecting Liberal. Maybe not a pure Democrat but something akin to that.

I have only voted Republican once and that was in 1972. It was the first time I was entitled to vote. I had just turned 21, which was the voting age at the time. My father was a Republican, through and through, and because I revered him and trusted in his judgment, I took his advice and voted for...breathe in and close your eyes and please forgive me in advance...I voted for...Richard Nixon.

I didn't know any better. Even though it was the sixties...well actually the seventies but really the sixties mentally...I was an empty headed American boy with absolutely no political awareness whatsoever. I really believed that voting for George McGovern, in the middle of the Viet Nam War, would be a bad thing.

So I voted for Nixon.

So shoot me. That's what I did.

But ever since then I have become a bit more concious. I have always voted Democratic. Not so much because I loved the assorted candidates but because I couldn't bear to help elect the arrogant, know-it-all, righteous, pompous Republicans.

Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bob Dole, George W. Bush, John McCain.
I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stand the idea of being a part of the effort to put these men in The White House.

So I dutifully voted for the Democrats, including Michael Dukakis.

And, yes, I voted for Barack Obama. As previously mentioned in this space I was in Denver working for ABC News and covered his convention. I was 100 feet from him when he accepted the nomination in Invesco Field. I saw the tears. I felt the energy.

But this time I'm politically confused. I'm all messed up.

For example:

I don't think we should be mandated by the government to have health insurance or otherwise be penalized. I can't find, in The Constitution, where it says that health care is a "right." It should be up to me whether or not I have health insurance. If I want it then I should buy it. If not, then tough nagolians for me. But I shouldn't be penalized if I choose not to have it.

That's a pretty Republican point of view.

I also think it is unfair to tax millionaires a greater percentage of their income just because they are millionaires. On balance they are rich because they had a good idea or they got an education or they worked hard or they saw an advantage and took it. That's all a part of the American Dream. It's what we are all told from birth. In the Capitalist, Free Enterprise system, if you work hard and are smart then you can succeed. In our culture we measure success by how much money we have.
We shouldn't be penalized because we "made it." Pay taxes? Yes. Close loopholes? Yes. Stop corruption? Oh, Yeah! Be fair? Yes, yes, yes!

That's also a pretty Republican attitude.

And I think we should cut wasteful spending in Washington. We should operate, as a country, within our means. We should balance the books and buy only what we can pay for. That's another thing we are taught as children. "Don't bite off more than you can chew."

More Republican thinking on my part.

But, on the other hand I think Gays should be afforded the same rights as any other citizen. I believe in a "woman's right to choose." I think "illegal aliens" should be given a legal path to citizenship so they can continue to clean our toilets, pick our fruit and raise our kids.

That's all very Democratic.

So, my dear friends, as I said before, I'm all screwed up politically.

What to do. I can't stand the Republican candidates but I'm not so enamored of Obama either.

Maybe, this time, I will vote for Ralph Nader. Even if he isn't running.

Or maybe I'll just stay at home and wait for the Apocalypse.

My vote doesn't really mean anything anyway...

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

What is it with mediocrity?

It seems that so much of our current cultural discourse is bland and trite. I recognize the need to be vacuous and meaningless from time to time but things are getting out of hand.

I recently worked at a concert by a prominent female entertainer at a major venue and was non-plussed to say the least. I don't want to mention her name because this is not a review and I don't want to come off as mean spirited. She seemed like a very nice woman. She probably loves kittens and small children. She is probably a good bowler.

I was non-plussed, not so much by her lack of talent but, more interestingly, I was impressed by what she represents.

She has a so-so voice, her material was predictable, the sets and costumes were uninspired and she is only a fair dancer. I will say that the video element and the band itself were amazing but they were not the headliners.

She was surrounded by 18 dancers, 14 young ripped men and 4 slithering women. The repertoire was rap/hip-hop and "pop", or what passes for pop these days. VERY loud, one or two chord extravaganzas played live to a CD backup track. Cheese, plain and simple.

But the concert betrayed a deeper tear in the fabric of our modern society (nice metaphor but just as tired as what it describes...you would agree?)

We are surrounded by crap. Crap in entertainment, crap in politics and crap in food and fashion.

The only place where crap does not reign supreme is in professional sports. In that area you have to be good in order to play. You don't make it to The World Series unless you are capable of playing in "the show." But even there the crap exists away from the actual game with all of the posing and "trash talking."

Our entertainers are, in some cases, famous just for being famous, as opposed to, say...TALENTED! Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep aside, few actors can really act...they are cast for doing one thing. Sneering, crying, laughing, they are given roles because they have "box office" appeal. They put bodies in the seats, eyeballs on the screens. Who was the last actor to really act? Sylvester Stallone? Keanu Reeves? Cameron Diaz? Puhleez. We love what they do but it is far from acting.

And our musicians are no better. Can Britney sing? Can Jay-Zee or Chris Brown? Or Ashlee Simpson? I think not.

Are Calvin Klein jeans worth $300 a pair or DKNY? Why? They are BLUE JEANS! Levi's are the best and at a fraction of the cost.

And McDonald's could serve McCaviar on McMelba toast all day long but, in the end, it would still be McDonald's.

We are inundated and engulfed in ka-ka.

And "don't get me started" on our politicians. Michele Bachmann? Rick Santorum(E Pompous Santorum)? RICK PERRY! Oh...My...God! Please save us from these IDIOTS! I would consider converting to any religion or cult that could promise me salvation from these a-holes!

So...mediocrity. It is in our schools, in the malls, on the street, in our homes...everywhere.

We are encircled. We are beseiged. WE ARE DOOMED!

So, if you can't beat 'em join 'em.

Pass the chips and TURN IT UP!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe Next Time...

Sarah Palin, apparently, has no real commitment to the country.

She, seemingly, has a commitment to only one thing.

Her family.

That is what she would like you to believe.

But here's the thing. Three years ago John Maverick (Bart and Bret's youngest brother) hurled Palin onto the national scene by choosing her to be his vice presidential running mate.

She went on to create a career as an opportunist which she had supposedly begun in Alaska, where she could see her back porch from her kitchen window...and also Joe McGinniss.

She went around the country making incendiary speeches getting everyone all riled up.

She hosted a reality TV show.

She wrote books and had books written about her.

She became a "pundit" on Fox News.

She solidified her standing as both a cougar and a MILF.

She introduced us to her daughter, Bristol, and the "boyfriend", Levi Johnston.

Thank you for that, by the way.

She flirted with a run for the presidency and then...WHAP! One of her acolytes, the ever idiotic Michele Bachmann, announced that she was going to campaign for the nation's highest office thereby stealing a bit of Sarah's thunder.

Palin's poll numbers began to fall and now she enjoys a place near the bottom with such august company as Newt Gingrich and Jon Huntsman.

She announced, the other day, that she would not run and wanted to devote more time to her family and presumably the neighborhood moose population. That was code for her wanting to devote more time to making money...

Thank you GOD! She's not going to be in the race! We are left with, probably, Mitt Romney but even he is better than Palin would have been.

We caught a break!

But only for a few years. She will continue to be a newsmaker and firebrand and will continue to spew her venom and mediocrity wherever she has a paying audience and an all too willing press corps.

So relax. We won't have Palin to "kick around anymore"...at least not until 2016 if Obama wins or 2020 if he loses. Then she'll be "baaaack!"

So much for the Champagne.

Daddy...can I?

The problem is not on Wall Street.

It's on Main Street.

Probably not a popular position but stay with me. The protestors trying to occupy Wall Street are a tad misguided, in my view.

I understand their frustration. They see gabillionaires with their yachts, mansions and trophy wives and cars. They feel disenfranchised with gas at almost $4.00/gal. and a sour economy with few jobs available.

But it really isn't "Wall Street's" fault.

It's the fault of the voters and therefore their elected representatives.

Think of it this way. If a kid comes up to it's father and says, "Daddy...can I have some candy?" and the father says "Sure...but don't eat too much", what do you think will happen?

The child will eat candy until it can't eat anymore. Then the child might throw up all over the new carpet and/or become obese in the bargain.

Who's to blame here? The kid? I think not. The fault lies with the father. He should have exercised more judgement and let the child have only a little bit of candy.

What did he think the child would do? Did he really think that the kid would only eat a little bit of candy? Did he actually think that his child would stop eating after only a few bites? Did he think that junior would "self police?"

Actually...did he think at all?

We elect people who will say anything to get elected. The only people they listen to, once they are in office, are their sponsors, their donors, their benefactors, their puppetmasters.

Those who pay control the game. Not us. We think we have a voice but we really don't. We are given two choices and we elect the one whose PR firm has done the best sales and marketing job (or Black Ops job...)

So Wall Street is simply doing what any of us would do. It's human nature. They see opportunities and they try to maximize them.

If you told any of the Wall Street protestors that you were going to give them a raise at their job, is there any one of them that would say, "No thanks. I make enough already."

Are you kidding? They would take the raise and be thrilled with the extra money.

And they would buy yachts, mansions, trophy wives and cars.

The protestors should aim their rhetoric where it belongs.

In the mirror.