Monday, November 30, 2009

Woods That it Were...!

Please stop...just stop...!

I am so sick of the Tiger Woods "story."


"Golfer has traffic accident"

Another headline:

"Man from Terre Haute has traffic accident"

Are you kidding me?

Let's review...

1) War in Iraq
2) War in Afgahnistan
3) Double digit unemployment
4) Dubai in possible default
5) Crumbling infrastructure
6) Returning veterans
7) Global warming (maybe)
6) Oprah's retirement (Oops, sorry...I forgot...Headline: "Oprah Winfrey to Retire"...
Headline: "65 year old woman in Des Moines to Retire")

Tiger Woods hit a tree. Maybe because he had a fight with his wife. Maybe because he was drunk...or stoned...or pun intended. Big friggin' deal!

He is a gazillionaire because he figured out how to get a little ball to go into a little cup hundreds of yards away...and he's a black man doing it...not someone named Chip, III.

Let's review:

1) Global AIDS epidemic
2) Global hunger
3) Global lack of literacy
4) Global corporate corruption
5) Global governmental corruption
6) Michael Jackson died...globally

In other words...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!

Tiger Woods is a great athlete...granted. He makes a lot of money because of the many endorsements he has because those companies that he endorses think we'll buy their products because Tiger Woods says they're great...and they are apparently right.

Because we, apparently, can't think for ourselves. We think that if we drive a Buick or wear Nike stuff or use a certain golf club we'll drive better (again, no pun intended), run faster and hit the ball like Tiger Woods...none of which is true.

You see, Tiger Woods is Tiger Woods and Elle Woods is Elle Woods and Muir Woods is Muir Woods and never the thwain shall meet (what is the "three" version of

So please...just stop already.

Let's get back to business...

Is Jay Leno's show a bust?

Story at eleven...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

And the Answer is...?

I love to watch the Sunday morning pundit shows...all of them from "This Week" to "Meet The Press."

I learn from the experts and get a perspective that can be helpful in the discussions I have about the issues of the day.

But the single most infuriating thing about those shows is the fact that almost all of the politicians who are the guests refuse to actually answer the questions that are posed by the moderator.

"Senator, do you support such and such legislation?"

"Well, let me first say that I think the President has a lot of explaining to do about how he will pay for the bill."

"So, Senator, does that mean you won't support the legislation?"

"I truly feel that we need to examine the overall causes of the problem outlined in bill, with all due respect."

"So, I take that as a no."

"Now, I would not say that, but I would add that I am looking very closely at the alternatives in the marketplace, and at the end of the day, going forward, we are very interested in understanding the impact that the legislation will have on working families and veterans."


The question was, "Senator, do you support such and such legislation?"

Choose from one of the three following possibilities:

1) Yes

2) No

3) Maybe

Is that so hard?

And these clowns in Washington wonder why we don't trust them...


Thank you Senator.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

P.S. to "I Hate Thanksgiving!"

September 3rd, 1783 was the day The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Revoltionary War.
The Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4th, 1776.

Think of it this way:

July 4th was the day of conception. The U.S. was given birth to on September 3rd.

Happy September 3rd!

Bring on the hot dogs...

I Hate Thanksgiving!

Ok...I don't really hate the act of giving thanks...noting all of the things for which I am grateful.

I just loathe the institutionalization of the holidays. Being told when, where and how to emote.

I am equally grateful in May, actually more so, because May represents spring and I am grateful for the end of winter.

I am grateful in January as I celebrate my little daughter's birthday. For that matter I am grateful for her every single day of the year. March 3rd. July 9th. September 15th. Every single day. And December, April and March as those are the month's in which my older daughter, son and wife celebrate their birthdays. I am equally grateful for them too.

I am especially grateful right around February 1st, because, after all of the holidays and the beginning of the year birthdays and sales, the festivities are finally, thankfully over...and I thank God (g-d for my Jewish friends) for that! Oh sorry, February 15th to be exact...the day after Valentine's Day.

The entire reason for these "special" days is to promote commerce. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, Halloween, Valentine's Day. They exist to sell stuff. Now, I understand that, somewhere in history, there was an original reason for selecting one day for whatever reason. Jesus was born on December 25th (well, not really, but whatever...), Thanksgiving was the day we had a meal with the Indians (sorry, Native Americans...oops sorry again, I guess most of us are Native Americans, those of us who were born here that is...), and then made them do the dishes forever after. Columbus Day celebrates Columbus' discovery of The West Indies (which then became The United States, knew that, right...?)

The only real day of celebration is July Fourth...we actually are celebrating a real moment in history...but that has become about hot dogs and fireworks and little flags. I bet there are a lot of school kids that have no idea what July Fourth designates. Those are the same kids that think Wyoming is a country, just like Al Pacino's hapless friend in Dog Day Afternoon, one of the greatest films ever made and for which I am grateful every time I see it.

So...I hate Thanksgiving...probably because my Uncle made it so unbearable when I was a kid...always yelling at somebody and making the 3 hour ride to New Jersey even less justifiable.

But the turkey was always good.

Go Golden Bears!!

Monday, November 23, 2009


What ever happened to the Seasons? We used to be able to guide our yearly activities by the seasonal holidays.

Christmas was in December, Thanksgiving was in November, Halloween was in October, Mother's Day was in May and Valentine's Day was in February.

Now all of the seasons blend into one long shopping trip.

Not to mention sports schedules. Remember when baseball was in the summer and football was in the fall and hockey was in the winter?

None of these seasonal guidelines seem to fit any more.

And the music! Oh Jeez...the friggin' music! I am not a big fan of Christmas music in the first place mind you, but in June?


Really, the "holiday" shopping season begins on Labor Day. That's when the Halloween decorations and sales start with a few overtones of Christmas around the edges.

And what with the economy and world situation the way it is, I find it hard to get excited on December 24th, let alone September 24th.

Now don't get me wrong here. I love a holiday just as much as the next guy but if they all run together where's the anticipation? Where's the fun?

I remember when I was a little boy the excitement of Christmas Eve and then Christmas Morning...peaking out of my bedroom door to try to steal a glance at the tree. My parents had to be up and in the living room before I could go in. They lit the tree and positioned themsleves so as to see my little face brighten at the sight of the decorations and...the presents!!

How is that possible if Christmas starts in June?

Why don't we just leave the holidays alone...celebrate them when they actually occur and declare all of the other days of the year as shopping days. Just that. Shop now and celebrate later.

And we wonder why society is falling apart.

"Will that be cash or credit...?

Merry Christmas.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Drug Rats

I was in my wife's doctor's waiting room the other day when the Merck rep and his boss wandered in.

The rep was a jolly sort...overweight but full of glee. His boss was more dour...thinner and much more boring. You could just tell.

The jolly one proceeded to inquire of the receptionist as to whether or not they needed anything.

They didn't.

"What do you don't want any of my stuff?", came the jolly query.

"No...", they didn't.

The two pharma boys muttered a bit to themselves, sat down to strategize their next appointment and then got up to leave.

I felt no sympathy whatsoever. I felt like asking them how it felt to be a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution. I decided not to bother...not to make a fuss. I wasn't up for it.

They are despicable. Not necessarily those two (always the rationale...not them...never them...!). They are probably really nice guys, although I wouldn't want to be stuck between them on a long flight. The one would put me to sleep, a good thnig, but the other would keep me awake with a combination of too much jolliness and too many love handles spilling over into my seat.

It's the whole lot of them...the whole class of individuals who make their living off of other people's suffering. They don't give a hoot in hell about their product, only that the doctors to whom they sell buy their stuff.

Research for the common good. My ass...!

They are no different then the gun manufacturers or the insurance companies or the investment bankers.

All that matters is profit and the consumer be damned.

Now don't get me wrong. Profit is a good thing. I want it when I work. It makes us do what we do in business. Make a profit.

But at the expense of all other possible morality?

I don't think so. Where's the balance?

Gone...I guess.

Did you hear the one about the Pharma's Daughter...?

She was on the pill but got preggers was a placebo. Cost as much as the real thing but wasn't as effective.

Can you say, "Dah Dah...?"

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Clear as a (taco) bell...

Ok...put yourself in my position.

Hungry...cost-conscious...needing value for your hard-t0-find dollar.

You are on the road an spy fast food...a few well worn choices...the least objectionable of which seems to be...Taco Bell.

You are with your honey...a deliberate vegetarian...not a zealot...not a nut...just prefers veggie..."no meat thanks."

You go in. You peruse the "menu"...the sign above the counter with the choices...and their relative prices.

All good so far...right?

You order two bean and rice burritos for yourself and your honey decides to live on the edge...she orders two cheesy potato burritos...and...hold on...a medium drink.

Still good right...?


The bean and rice burritos were, in fact, bean and rice.

But...wait...the cheesy potato burritos had the promised cheese and potato but also a special gift...CHOPPED MEAT...!?

She doesn't want to complain and soldiers on chewing through the evident grimaces...grateful for your largesse ($9.47)

You, however, are a bit miffed. You didn't get what you ordered (a pet peeve of mine...but more on that at another time...)

So you approach, the offending burritos in hand.

The front line young man is befuddled,

"The menu is there sir."

"I says cheese and potato...not cheese, potato and meat. My honey is a vegetarian...not a zealot or a nut...just a garden variety (pun intended) vegetarian. She doesn't eat meat."

"The menu is there sir."

"I know...but..."

He interrupts...

"The menu is there sir."

You begin to sense the situation.

"May I speak to the manager...?"

Here comes another young man...maybe 10 minutes older than the first.

You repeat the story. He argues with you. You begin to get a tad more agitated. You try to enlighten him to the idea that the menu is not clear. He argues that it is. You, politely, counter that...IT IS NOT!!

Ok...enough of this already.

Here's the point. If a menu in a restaurant has four items listed in a category and they are, 1) Bean and Rice, 2) Cheesy Potato, 3) Bean and Cheese and, 4) Beef and Rice....for 100 points and a trip to Mazatlan...


I rest my case....

Clearly The Decline and Fall of Western Civilization...

"Do you want fries with that...?"