Another Wisecrack...

I'm not sure how important this is on the global agenda (only around $300B worldwide, but who's counting...)but I find myself scratching my head about modern fashion.

I was sitting, recently, in a cafe in a mall. I watched the comings and goings of about 100 people during the time I was there.

I saw all kinds. Men, women, boys, girls, babies, college kids, workers. All colors and sizes, everyone was represented.

One thing seemed prevalent. Most people, in my opinion, looked ridiculous.

I admit that I am no fashion plate. I could use to lose a few pounds and I haven't changed the way I dress since I was a schoolboy. My father dressed in a traditional manner ( an interesting concept because it refers to what is considered to be "classical." By this measure we should all be wearing togas or less, dependent upon where you draw the line...)...coats and ties for work, khakis and a pocketed shirt for recreation or around the house chores.

I dress much the same. Ties for a business meeting and a polo shirt and slacks for an evening out. Tee shirts and jeans/shorts are my uniform for chores.

But what I saw during my little cafe respite left me laughing.

Young women stuffing a size 12 rear end into a size one pair of pants...or worse a pair of tights. Eek!

Older women (over...)with enough breast volume for two women in fitted shirts or tube tops and Spandex.

And don't get me started about the shoes. Oy...the shoes!

Older men (over 60...)in tight jeans with backwards hats and tee shirts that said stuff like "I Love Rock and Roll and Babes" or "Harley's Rule" or "Golf is God."

And if you can tell me the fashion significance of wearing a baseball hat backwards I'll endow a chair in your name. I understand it for a catcher...the mask thing...or a welder...again, the mask thing...or a sailor who doesn't want his hat to blow off when the wind gets under the brim and launches the darned thing. It's hard to turn a sailboat around in a stiff wind or during a race. It's easier in a powerboat but it's helpful to have a mate or a boathook to snag it as you pull alongside. Be careful not to run it over because the propeller with shred it and then you'll be down one hat, inevitably your fave, the one you got on Nantucket or found in the median strip on 95 in the Bronx during rush hour...

Why backwards walking down the street or sitting in a bar? The logo is on the front.
Now they put stuff on the back so if you're wearing it backwards people can still see that you are a Red Sox fan (or Yankees...I know...) But then, if that's so, your hat would no longer be backwards. It would be like a firefighter's helmet and protect your neck from water or falling beams, embers or other firefighters.

I always thought it would be a moneymaker to have a two-billed hat, a la Sherlock Holmes, with a Yankees logo on one side and a Red Sox logo on the other. It would be for all of the folks who were born in one place but have settled in the other. One team is in your bones and the other is in your head and maybe your heart. You can never decide, especially when they are playing each other. It's easy when they are playing someone else. Not so easy when they are both in the same ballpark. You can take your life in your hands at that point. (If you capitalize on this idea I will be glad to receive residual checks. We can work out the percentage and the mailing information...)

And pants, with no belts, worn below the waist, actually below the ass. I understand the genesis of this choice. "Back in the day", if you went to prison, they took your belt and it was a badge of honor to have your pants falling down because you had no belt. It showed you were cool and stood up to "The Man"...and, oh, incidentally...lost!

But why do young men/boys, and some young women/girls feel compelled to emulate society's losers? Not only are we treated to their choice of underwear but sometimes we get to enjoy the crack between their butt cheeks.

In the construction world this phenomenon is referred to as a "Plumber's Crack", born of the fact that plumbers are often bent over, on hands and knees, attending to some problem.

For the uninitiated, this is not a thing of beauty. Especially when the plumber weighs 300 pounds and has an ass to match as opposed to Mr. January, who most women and some men (who are usually not construction workers but might be) would be interested in beholding.

I may be revealing my age here but I will go on record by saying,

"PULL UP YOUR PANTS...YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!"

Backwards hats. Falling down pants. Spandex.

What's the world coming to, I ask you?

What has happened to us?

"The End is Near!"

And it ain't pretty...