Say Good Night Newtie

You know the guy.

He's the pudgy one in the plaid shirt and striped pants with the bad haircut that no one really likes. He's the unfortunate soul who, no matter how hard he tries, is just not cool enough, and never will be, to be popular with the rest of the kids at school.

Somehow he ends up at parties or at the beach or in the bleachers at the game. There he is sitting there, maybe next to someone who is actually cool, trying desperately to grab some relfected light from the B.M.O.C., the Big Man On Campus.

It works a little bit. A few girls talk to him for a minute. Actually they listen because the guy can't stop talking. He's searching for the right combination of revelatory wisdom and cool so as to maybe, just maybe, wrangle a date with one of these babes.

But after a while the girls get tired of his incessant chatter and turn their attention to someone else, anyone else, so as to not have to listen to Mr. Nobody anymore.

But here he is at the party and no one knows who invited him. Probably nobody did. He heard about it in the boy's room at school and just decided to peddle his Schwinn across town and grab some free Cheetos.

And what makes matters worse for this guy is that he has a really weird name.

But then this guy grows up and becomes a congressman. He's wildly successful and becomes the Speaker of The House. After all he is very smart and a very good orator.

Then he has an extra-marital affair while preaching family values.

Then he is forced to resign.

Then he decides to run for president.

Then no one wants him in that job any more than they wanted him at the party when he was an annoying windbag of a kid.

But he won't get out of the race any more than he would leave the party. He just won't take the hint.

When he looks in the mirror he sees Humphrey Bogart. What everyone else sees is Peter Lorre.

Where is Captain Renault when we need him the most...?