Me Too...

Friends...I've come to a difficult decision.

After much personal reflection, and long discussions with my wife and children, I've decided to end my run for the presidency.

I have decided to leave the race to spend more time with my family. It is not important that they have been travelling with me throughout the campaign. That was not a factor.

It is also not important that I haven't gotten many votes in the primaries.

I am withdrawing for personal reasons.

Oh, sorry...you didn't know I was a candidate? You weren't told? My name never came up except at a few parties and in the bathroom?

Uhhh...well...let me explain.

I am really a nobody. I am rich, that's true, but aside from that I really haven't accomplished much of note. My resume is paper thin.

My father is VERY rich however and he is a great man. He is handsome and funny and charming and, did I say, very rich.

He is a man of true accomplishment. I know my father and I am no "My Father."

I am merely his son, a poor second at best. A Canal Street knockoff.

But I decided to run for president anyway. I thought it would be fun.

It wasn't.

I thought I'd make some new friends.

I didn't.

I, at least, thought I'd see some new places and eat some new foods.

I didn't do those things either. As a matter of fact, I went to places I'd already been and had, long ago, decided never to return to.

And the food I ate, or was forced to eat I should say, wasn't that great. Except, maybe for that one lobster roll I had at that clam shack on the New Hampshire coast somewhere.

But that really wasn't so great, in retrospect.

I am SO tired of lobster. I've had way too much of it during my lifetime. It's only marginally better with Dom Perignon, '62 (not '61 as everyone thinks...'62 was a much better year as far as I'm concerned. Just ask James Bond if you don't want to take my word for it.) and caviar only confuses the taste. Caviar is too salty anyway. Especially that Beluga stuff. Not good...

And, really, lobster doesn't have much of a taste of it's own. It's the butter that makes it. Drawn butter on cheese, especially brie, would be just as good and much less of a bother. Those stupid bibs and the claw-crackers.

And for what? You only get a couple of good bites from the tail and then you spend way too much time trying to get the little pieces out of the claws.

Not worth it. And whoever decided that the green stuff tastes good?

It doesn't...at least not from where I'm sitting, thank you. I think it's called "Tomalley." And I don't think it's a delicacy. Truffles are a delicacy too and I don't like them any better.

So, all in all, the campaign was a downer. I didn't get enough sleep, I had to talk, endlessly, to people who didn't understand what I was saying and, worst of all, I was forced to introduce myself over and over. No one seemed to know (or care...) who I was. And that hurt, believe you me.

So I'm out. I'm done. I'm calling it a day and I'm throwing my support behind Willard Romney.

If I'm not your man then he should be. We look alike, both of our wives are blond, we're both very rich and we are both very religious. And he speaks French for crying out loud!

Vote for him...not for me.

I'll be the one spending time with my loved ones. Whether they like it or not.

It'll be fun after they learn who I am and what I stand for and what I'll do for them as head of a great American family.

And I'll finally be able to have a good, home cooked meal.

Ahhhh...to think of it.

Pate, a baguette and a glass of Chateau Latour, '82

Now that's good eatin'...!