Friend This!

I just came to a startling, although, belated realization.

This "Friend" thing on Facebook is baloney.

I recently "Friended" a bunch of people and then tried to communicate with them. You know...like friends do.

No such luck.

Not a word...or "notification", as it is so endearingly called.

My "Friends" ended up not being so...

Which got me to thinking about the whole nattering concept of friendship.

What is a friend, really? I've had plenty throughout my life but what I really think I had were aquaintances or maybe just "people of interest."

A friend is someone who cares about you, regardless. Regardless of your haircut, choice of shirt, body odor, political/religious/sports affiliation or girlfriend/wife. You can do and say really stupid things and they love you anyway. You can lie, cheat, steal and betray in myriad ways and they always forgive you.

But it has to go both ways. They have to be able to disappoint you in all of the abovementioned ways and you are obliged, by the friendship code, to forgive them back.

It doesn't matter. Anything goes. All is forgiven. "Come home."

Can you, even for an instant, imagine that happening on Facebook? No, you can't because it doesn't.

All you have to do is misspell a word or root for the wrong team and you are set ablaze by all of your "Friends."

And it isn't enough to change your name or profile picture. They'll find you in email and send you nasty messages and post your transgressions all over the World Wide God Damned Web!

And friendship is forever.

It is not simply so until you are "UnFriended" at the stroke of the delete key. Friendship is for more than a nanosecond. True friendship is for life. And I don't mean battery life either...

And while I'm at it, the "Like" button is useless. When someone posts that their cat had a heart attack, I for one, feel very uncomfortable "Liking" that news. I didn't even know that they had a cat let alone that it was sick. I really don't "Like" the fact that their cat died. I may not like cats (I do, by the way...more than some people I know, actually...) but I would never tell my "Friend" that I liked the fact that Fluffy passed away. Can you imagine...?

So let's lobby to change the word "Friend" to "Acquaintance" and "Like" to "Appreciate."

Less disingenuity. More truth telling.

There could be some problems with that though, come to think of it...

"You've Got an Acquaintance" by Carole King. My apologies, also, to James Taylor (who is not yet a "Friend" on Facebook, even though I'm trying...)

"I Appreciate Ike"..(I liked Ike. I was a little boy and didn't know him from Adam. My father, who was really my friend, was a Republican and loved Eisenhower. Especially his jacket. I liked Ike because my Dad did.)

Oh, and did I mention that true friends will share their good fortune with you? They catch a fish, they share. They get free tickets, they share. They have a cute cousin/sister...they share, with restrictions, of course...

Mr. Zuckerberg...Mr. Gabillionaire Entrepreneur Startup Social Network Lifestyle Altering Poobah...

Are you listening?

Friend...?