Leaf Me Alone!

I've made an executive decision.

I'm not raking leaves this Fall.

I'm just not going to do it.

And it's not because I can't or I don't have the tools. I can and I do.

I have rakes and a leaf blower (actually two but one doesn't blow very well...) I have not one, but three wheelbarrows (Definition of "Barrow": a flat, rectangular frame used for carrying a load in case you were wondering...extrapolate the use of "wheel")

I also have tarps to haul them to the woods and they didn't cost $700B a piece.

I refuse on several grounds...no pun intended.

1) It is a stupid thing to do...very Sisyphusish...

2) My property looks better with leaves all over it because I really don't have much grass and the leaves cover the dirt patches.

3) It is hard work and I can't prevail upon my teenage daughter to help...

4) It is a stupid thing to do...

Now what I may do however is blow the leaves up against the foundation of my house.

This would serve three purpi. Purpi is plural for purpose. Why not...? I can invent a word just as well as the next guy. It sounds like its' roots are in Latin and it makes sense. Alumnus...Alumni...Purpose (sounds like alumnus...no?)...Purpi.

Anyway, as I was saying...it would serve three purpi. One is that they would insulate the house and keep the very expensive heat on the inside. Another is that I can use the leaf blower and, in so doing, save my back and help my daughter with her "I didn't help Daddy" guilt as only one person can use the leaf blower at a time and I have already acknowleged that the other blower doesn't blow very well and one would be supremely frustrated in trying to use it and may abandon the job altogether...either one of us. But maybe, most importantly, it would reveal the copius amount of dog doo-doo that has accumulated from my dog and the neighbor's dog into which I have been stepping all to frequently as of late.

So...no raking of leaves this year...and maybe never again.

Plus, leaving them on the ground provides a mulch for the yard and maybe next year I'll have grass. Maybe monkeys will fly out of my...

I apologize to my more anal-retentive neighbors and those others who are simply more yard neat than I.

I'll make some cookies and bring over a plate.

Maybe that'll help soothe their flustered emotions.

And...no...I won't help them rake their leaves either.

Well, maybe. That way my "not raking my leaves" guilt may be assuaged.

NAAAAAAAAAH!

Which reminds me. I'm not sending out Christmas cards this year either.

So here...in advance...from the bottom of my heart...

Merry Christmas.

Another Wisecrack...

I'm not sure how important this is on the global agenda (only around $300B worldwide, but who's counting...)but I find myself scratching my head about modern fashion.

I was sitting, recently, in a cafe in a mall. I watched the comings and goings of about 100 people during the time I was there.

I saw all kinds. Men, women, boys, girls, babies, college kids, workers. All colors and sizes, everyone was represented.

One thing seemed prevalent. Most people, in my opinion, looked ridiculous.

I admit that I am no fashion plate. I could use to lose a few pounds and I haven't changed the way I dress since I was a schoolboy. My father dressed in a traditional manner ( an interesting concept because it refers to what is considered to be "classical." By this measure we should all be wearing togas or less, dependent upon where you draw the line...)...coats and ties for work, khakis and a pocketed shirt for recreation or around the house chores.

I dress much the same. Ties for a business meeting and a polo shirt and slacks for an evening out. Tee shirts and jeans/shorts are my uniform for chores.

But what I saw during my little cafe respite left me laughing.

Young women stuffing a size 12 rear end into a size one pair of pants...or worse a pair of tights. Eek!

Older women (over...)with enough breast volume for two women in fitted shirts or tube tops and Spandex.

And don't get me started about the shoes. Oy...the shoes!

Older men (over 60...)in tight jeans with backwards hats and tee shirts that said stuff like "I Love Rock and Roll and Babes" or "Harley's Rule" or "Golf is God."

And if you can tell me the fashion significance of wearing a baseball hat backwards I'll endow a chair in your name. I understand it for a catcher...the mask thing...or a welder...again, the mask thing...or a sailor who doesn't want his hat to blow off when the wind gets under the brim and launches the darned thing. It's hard to turn a sailboat around in a stiff wind or during a race. It's easier in a powerboat but it's helpful to have a mate or a boathook to snag it as you pull alongside. Be careful not to run it over because the propeller with shred it and then you'll be down one hat, inevitably your fave, the one you got on Nantucket or found in the median strip on 95 in the Bronx during rush hour...

Why backwards walking down the street or sitting in a bar? The logo is on the front.
Now they put stuff on the back so if you're wearing it backwards people can still see that you are a Red Sox fan (or Yankees...I know...) But then, if that's so, your hat would no longer be backwards. It would be like a firefighter's helmet and protect your neck from water or falling beams, embers or other firefighters.

I always thought it would be a moneymaker to have a two-billed hat, a la Sherlock Holmes, with a Yankees logo on one side and a Red Sox logo on the other. It would be for all of the folks who were born in one place but have settled in the other. One team is in your bones and the other is in your head and maybe your heart. You can never decide, especially when they are playing each other. It's easy when they are playing someone else. Not so easy when they are both in the same ballpark. You can take your life in your hands at that point. (If you capitalize on this idea I will be glad to receive residual checks. We can work out the percentage and the mailing information...)

And pants, with no belts, worn below the waist, actually below the ass. I understand the genesis of this choice. "Back in the day", if you went to prison, they took your belt and it was a badge of honor to have your pants falling down because you had no belt. It showed you were cool and stood up to "The Man"...and, oh, incidentally...lost!

But why do young men/boys, and some young women/girls feel compelled to emulate society's losers? Not only are we treated to their choice of underwear but sometimes we get to enjoy the crack between their butt cheeks.

In the construction world this phenomenon is referred to as a "Plumber's Crack", born of the fact that plumbers are often bent over, on hands and knees, attending to some problem.

For the uninitiated, this is not a thing of beauty. Especially when the plumber weighs 300 pounds and has an ass to match as opposed to Mr. January, who most women and some men (who are usually not construction workers but might be) would be interested in beholding.

I may be revealing my age here but I will go on record by saying,

"PULL UP YOUR PANTS...YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!"

Backwards hats. Falling down pants. Spandex.

What's the world coming to, I ask you?

What has happened to us?

"The End is Near!"

And it ain't pretty...

Dear John

This is an open letter of thanks to Senator John McCain.


Sir,

We met, briefly, on the campaign trail in 2007, in New Hampshire. You may remember me as the CNN cameraman who shook your hand at a rally. I told you that I had gone to the University of Arizona at Tucson and we talked for a minute about football.
"Go Wildcats!", you said.

We spent New Year's Eve together at the home of one of your supporters in Concord. You gave my sound person a big hug. Actually you did that every time we saw you those few days. Fortunately my sound person is a woman otherwise people would have talked. "Don't ask don't tell" you know.

I want to thank you for your service to the country. You have shown admirable ability both as a Navy officer, POW and a United States Senator (really, especially the POW part...no joking here Dear Reader...) You have been a maverick, which, incidentally, was one of my favorite TV shows growing up. I liked the James Garner character. I also liked him in the movie version more than Mel Gibson who I liked in Braveheart but not so much in What Women Want which I thought was silly.

But most of all I want to thank you for Sarah Palin. The service you have given to the country and its' future by elevating her to national prominence through her nomination as your vice presidential candidate is only paralleled by your service to the country by pushing for campaign finance reform with, the now newly defeated, Russ Feingold.

But your signature contribution has got to be Sarah Palin. She is terrific. I saw Tina Fey last night at a premiere in New York for the new animated film from Dreamworks called "Megamind." Ms. Fey and Ms. Palin don't really look that much alike when Ms. Fey isn't wearing glasses, which she wasn't. Ms. Fey is adorable and smaller than I expected. But she was wearing black stiletto heals which made her seem tall enough I guess.

Sarah Palin. Pretty, smart, (those two adjectives work well together in that order don't you think...?) funny, insightful (or is that inciteful..."Spellcheck" anyone?), wise and an inspiration to all Americans no matter what border they live near and no matter what country they can see from that location. I can see Massachusetts from where I live and it is not as beautiful as I imagine Alaska to be except for The Berkshires in winter and fall and The Cape in spring and summer. There aren't any polar bears but there are raccoons which can make good hats and are cute except when they are mauling helpless infants.

So, sir, because of all you have done for this country I salute you. Actually I "hand over heart" you as I never served in the military and don't have the right to salute even though it feels cool to do so. But a real salute. Not the two finger job casually delivered to a friend or a person with whom you think you have something in common because you are both wearing Red Sox hats (or Yankees or Giants or Orioles or...)

Thank you for giving us Sarah Palin. We will never be the same as a result of your generosity and foresight. You will definitely have a prominent place in history which is what everyone strives for. Everyone wants a legacy.

Be well and best regards to Mrs. McCain. I hope she's feeling better.

Sincerely,

A Devoted Arizona fan, except in the summer when it is too damned hot, albeit dry, but very hot nonetheless...especially in Tucson which is further south than Phoenix where you have a house which is air-conditioned and where you have a pool which can provide much needed cooling when it is as hot as it is in the summer in Arizona which is near the border with Mexico and has a lot of Hispanics only some of whom look Asian.

Civic Doody

I voted.

I went to the local polling place and I voted.

I went through the gauntlet of candidate supporters without making eye contact.

There were a lot of people there. Old people, first time voters, windbags and kids.

It was a beautiful day. It was like a town picnic but without the fun.

No one seemed happy to be exercising their right to vote though...their "franchise" as the punditry calls it.

They were solemn. But I suspect that the mood was less out of respect for the process as it was about the idea that the process no longer seems to matter.

Right, Left, Democrat, Republican, Tea Party, Green...all of the choices seem to be flawed...except maybe the Green one. That seemed to sum up how most people felt...around the gills that is.

I, for one, held my nose as I voted for the candidate who seemed the less worse of the choices. I couldn't imagine voting for one of them however the other one, the one who got my vote, is an arrogant, boring jerk who misrepresented himself during the run up to the campaign and lost all of the respect that I had had for him, which was plenty.

But I held my nose and I voted for him.

I voted because I can, because I have the right to and because I still believe in our form of government and in the possibility, even remote as it is, that my one, solitary, God Damned, measly little vote actually might count for something.

Most of me doesn't think it does any more...but I did it anyway...and I held out hope.

And I voted because it gives me the right to complain. I took part in my Constitutional civic duty.

I did the American thing. I voted.

But I didn't take the little "I Voted" sticker though and do you want to know why?

Because the privilege of voting shouldn't be reduced to a decorative element. It shouldn't be a fashion statement.

It's more important than that and if more people took it seriously then maybe, just maybe, things might be different and maybe things might be better.

So there!

I voted.

I just wanted you to know that. I sure hope you did too.

Good Eatin'

On a lighter note...

I have a friend who is a food writer (1). He's really not a critic...he never really has anything negative to say about the restaurants he reviews.

He really just writes about the experience and is always positive.

Not only is it good to be positive, it is less negative to be that way.

In that vein, I thought I would try my hand at writing a review of a restaurant that I love.

The place is called Nick and Tony's and it is located on Route One in Guilford, Connecticut just off of Exit 59 (Goose Lane) on Interstate 95.

But before I talk about Nick and Tony's, I would like to recommend the Rhode Island style chowder at The Swan Oyster Depot on Polk Street, just off of California, in San Francisco, operated by the sons of the founder, Sal Sancimino, a terrific guy. And, while you're in town, don't forget La Cumbre, on Mission, if you'd rather have a burrito. But just order one...they're really big! (another time I'll tell you about the time I fell asleep after eating two burritos from La Cumbre with my friend Mike after working really hard in Oakland doing tree work one afternoon.)

The Swan Oyster Depot is as wonderful, but for different reasons, as Il Violino in Manhattan, on Columbus @ 67th Street, on the West Side. Their Pasta Arrabiata is "to die for" only rivaled by their Gazpacho.

And while you're in New York, go to The Bronx and see Pat at Dominick's on Arthur Avenue. Family style Italian. But please don't tell many people because we don't want the Little Italy of The Bronx to become the Little Italy of Manhattan...too many tourists and not enough five star restaurants. "Welcome to New Hampshuh. Now go home", if you know what I mean...

Now, while you're at it, the French Toast at The Roadside in Belchertown, Massachusetts is unbeatable. Homemade bread and real, local, maple syrup. Delish...

And please don't pass up an opportunity for great barbeque at The Knotty Pine on the North Side of Tulsa, Oklahoma. This place really does make the best barbeque, despite the claims of other joints.

Or the seafood sampler at Le Murat on the Boulevard Murat in Paris, right near the Boulogne-Billancourt line, near the Roland Garros. Truly remarkable.

Or the patisserie at the Cafe Bayon in Le Chambon-sur-Lignon, in the Haute Loire (Le Massif Central) region of south central France. OMD! (Oh Mon Dieu!)

Or how about the Gnocchi at Bardessono in Oakville, California in The Napa Valley. You don't get many but each one is like paradise. Extraordinary.

And while you're in Napa head a bit further north on Highway 29 past St. Helena to Il Castello di Amorosa, on the left. Taste, and buy, the '07 Chardonnay. Superb with just enough fruit and a hint of honeysuckle. And a beautiful, velvety finish. And say hello to Dario (2), the owner, a truly inspiring guy.

But enough of the tour. Back to Nick and Tony's. Not much decor and no fuss and bother. Just wonderful Italian food prepared by a real Italian from Italy. And great service.

The best thing on the dinner menu is the baked ziti but you can't lose with the steak and cheese on a hard roll. It's is no Philly Cheesesteak, like the ones from Pat's on Passyhunk (as opposed to, figuratively and geographically, Geno's...) in South Philadelphia, who invented the thing, but it's a close second. And be sure to have a Foxon Park soda (grape...or orange.) Locally made and much better than the international brands...hands down.

So...if you're ever on 95 and hungry, pull off at Exit 59. Head north, up the hill, on Route One about a 1/4 of a mile and Nick and Tony's will be on the left in a small strip mall next to Enterprise Car Rental.

You will not be disappointed. And, in this case, tell everybody you know. He could use the business.




(Notes: 1) My friend's columns appear at www.metropolitanreport.com)
2)To learn more about Dario Sattui at Il Castello di Amorosa, check out the clip of "Behind the Seeds with Spencer Christian" at www.watchatlantic.com

Self Righteously Speaking

Ok, I know this is going to sound a bit self righteous but...

What is everybody so angry about this election?

The culprits seem to be (dependent upon your socio-political persuasion) 1) Obama, 2) Wall Street, 3) Nancy Pelosi, 4) Glenn Beck, 5) Sarah Palin and/or all incumbents, including, but not limited to, John Boehner, Harry Reid, Barbara Boxer and Lisa Murkowski.

But the real reason for all of this anger should be self-loathing on a gargantuan scale.

We rant and rave about conditions in Washington and the straits this country is in. We blame "the other guy" for all of our ills.

"It's the Demmocrats!"

"It's the Right Wing Fundamentalists!"

"It's The Yankees!"

It's always someone else. It's never us. We are never to blame.

Lost your job? Maybe you were unskilled, lazy and a drag on the company.

Lost your home? Maybe you shouldn't have bought it in the first place.

Not enough money? Maybe you should have listened to your parents and done your homework as they begged you to.

What the hell happened to personal responsibility?

We complain about the government yet the only thing most of us do is vote and a shameful few of us at that.

We are not involved. We sit around the cafe or stand around the watercooler and bitch and moan about the state of affairs that confront us every day. But most of us do nothing whatsoever to change what's going on.

The reason that lobbyists are so powerful is because they are a part of the process. They buttonhole politicians, they raise money, they buy influence...they are PARTICIPATING!

Now, I understand that there is is an overwhelming amount of corruption in politics and in government as a whole.

But the people who are taking advantage are at least playing the game. They aren't playing fair, I'll give you that, but they're playing just the same.

We have no right at all to whine and complain if we are not going to be involved enough to do something about it.

We are the reason that we are in the mess that we are in...now that was a poorly crafted sentence if I ever read one...but you get my meaning.

This is all our fault. We are responsible.

WE HAVE BEEN ASLEEP AT THE SWITCH AND HAVE ALLOWED THE ABUSES THAT HAVE COME AROUND TO BITE US IN OUR BIG FAT ASSES!

So when you go to the polls think about what you're actually doing. You are participating in one of the greatest rights that we have. You are partcipating in the process of electing people to representative government so they can make your lives better.

MAKE THEM DO IT! Don't just vote and then hibernate for another few years...and then emerge from your sleep pissed off because you don't like what happened.

Take charge and place blame where it belongs...at your own two feet. It's not "their" fault.

It's yours...it's mine...it's all of ours.

It's Not Too Late

It's not too late to change your mind.

You still have the power to make a real contribution to the process.

Your vote can still matter and make a difference.

Unfortunately, many of you who are reading this basically agree with me politically.

You are probably mostly left leaning, progressive, liberal Democrats and don't have much affection for the Republicans and the Right. Or you consider yourselves to be Independent and usually vote Democrat.

But some of you are disaffected, disappointed and generally just plain pissed off.
And well you should be. High unemployment, war, global warming, an energy crisis, outsourcing, foreclosure...myriad reasons to be really angry.

Add to that Wall Street bailouts, Goldman/Enron style greed and the seemingly deaf ear that Washington has turned to the average American and you are possibly buying bullets and/or thinking of moving to Brazil.

But guess what. If you put down your hot, foaming cup of cynicism and take a deep breath you might actually remember that, "in this country", (Jack Nicholson in "The Departed")we do have the privilege of electing our leaders and making them accountable to us for their legislative records.

We can "throw the bums out." Sure...

But we don't have to replace them with idiots. We can replace them with people who, at the least, understand the system in Washington and have the intelligence to come up with solutions to our very difficult problems.

We should be celebrating excellence not mediocracy. We claim to value education and want our children to learn and become powerful partners in an increasingly diverse and competitive society.

But we will be paying nothing more than lip service to that ideal if we allow ourselves to be bamboozled on Tuesday. The likes of Sharron Angle, Carl Paladino, Linda McMahon and Christine O'Donnell do NOT have what it takes to repair the damage that has been done to this country. They will only make matters worse and we will all pay the price.

VOTE FOR INTELLECT! Don't vote from a place of anger and frustration. Vote for people who can actually get the job done and then keep at them until they do.
Be a part of the solution...don't add to the problem. Get involved. Write letters. Send emails. MAKE EM' DO THE RIGHT THING!!

Otherwise we will have nothing but empty rhetoric and our problems will only get worse.

Healthy debate among intellectual equals from differing political points of view. Wonderful! That will produce solutions. And if the Republicans just say "no" to everything then make sure that everyone knows that they are "obstructionists." Don't let them get away with it!

The Democrats are no better than the Republicans. They are all bad. Make no mistake about that. That's clear.

But this is no time to hand the keys to the car to someone who not only can't drive but who can't even reach the brake let alone the gas pedal.

DON"T GET SUCKED IN! STOP!

THINK BEFORE YOU VOTE!

If you don't, this could be your last chance to do so.

No kidding...