NO!!!

In an episode of The Sopranos, Tony is talking Dr. Melfi about his problems. He's frustrated with the way things are and the way people treat one another.

He sites several examples and when he comes to answering machines he says something like this:

"If my call is so important to you then why don't you just pick up the damned phone!"

My sentiments exactly.

In a previous post at this site I complained about the electronic phone sysyem that so many companies use to manage traffic. You are greeted by some asshole with a middle American voice that is way too cheerful no matter what time of day. You are guided through several choices and informed of the fact that A), you should listen as the menu may have changed since your last visit and B), that your call may be monitored for quality assurance reasons and that, finally C), they are very honored by your call, sorry for the delay and hopeful that you will be patient until your call is taken, "in the order in which it was received."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It all makes you want to SCREAM!

And the GDF music that they play makes Musak sound like the philharmonic. And they keep interrupting the music which, under ordinary circumstances would be annoying and under these circumstances is doubly so, to inform us that they will get to us just as "soon" as they can and that they are "grateful" for our patronage and infinite patience and that our customerness is "very important" to them.

Again, I invoke the wonderful Tony Soprano and hope he's packin' heat:

"...then why don't you just pick up the G...D...M...F...PHONE!!!!

And the worst is when you hit "O", sometimes they have it fixed that it won't go to a human and you have to wait until you get one by a process of a combination of random selection and divine intervention.

And by that time you may have forgotten why you called in the first place!

I hate modernity and the phone company and the electric company and the bank and any other institution that uses automated phone answering systems!

I hate that voice! Oh do I hate that man/woman. Someday it might be like that episode of Seinfeld when George's pianist girlfriend recognizes Elaine's laugh as the one that ruined her recital when Elaine laughed because Jerry put a Pez Tweety on her knee.

There I'll be at some function or in the subway or on a plane. It'll be a formal cocktail with ambassadors and international dignitaries. I'll be holding a Chardonnay in a precious glass and a plate with some shrimp and sauce.

It'll be then that I hear it.

"This conversation is very important to me Governor. Please hold that thought until the next available moment while I go to the bathroom. Thank you."

Fade to black with the sounds of screams fading into the distance. They might very well be mine as I will have gone right over the bloomin' edge...the shrimp notwithstanding.

And I love shrimp so think about how crazy I would have to be.

Can you hold...?