Thank you Mr. President!

Thank you Mr. President!

Thank you for 9-11...

It has been conjectured that 9-11 was a conspiracy...brought about by you and yours. If that is true then we will never be able to thank you enough for the destruction of life and property that resulted from that act. Without 9-11 your presidency would have remained illegitimate, as some have said.

Thank you.

Thank you for Afghanistan...

You went to war, supposedly, against the Taliban and those who, you said, allegedly harbored Osama bin Laden. Some have said it was to open a "pipeline" for oil and heroin (or poppy seeds really...what are bagels without them...?) to flow more freely. If that is true than thank you for our low gas prices...after our high gas prices.

Thank you for Iraq...

You said that Saddam Hussein was, in part, responsible for 9-11. You said he had weapons of mass destruction and he would use them on us and Israel and the rest of the world as he had done on "his own people." Joe Wilson said there were no WMD (some say that Valerie Plame was having an affair with Karl Rove and Harriet Myers but that sounds too kinky for your administration.) Some say Colin Powell lied at the U.N. Others think you went into Iraq because Saddam dissed your dad. Still others think you went in because of oil. If any of that is true then thanks for the 4,229 US servicemen and women killed and the countless others wounded and the Iraqis killed and wounded, possibly, according to The Lancet estimate, as many as 750,000 or more. And special thanks for letting us mourn them in public by, at least, occasionally seeing their flag draped coffins arrive in Delaware. Nothing like seeing the red, white and blue to stir the spirits...terrific!

Thank you for Katrina...

Thank you for promoting mountain biking and exercise as the Surgeon General has suggested. And your quick response to one of the greatest disasters to befall the country. "Heck of a job, W!"

Thank you for Scooter Libby...

Oh, pardon me...

Thank you for Alberto Gonzales...

At long last we had an Hispanic Attorney General...some say he orchestrated the firing of federal prosecutors because of political reasons. That sounds unbelievable but, if true, many thanks for interpreting the constitution that way. Gracias...oh and thanks for the interpretation of the Geneva Conventions...brilliant!

Thank you for wiretapping...

We all need someone monitoring our phone calls so we don't make foolish mistakes. Richard Nixon taught us the value of recorded conversations. Without them how would we know what happened in history? If it's true, as some say, that the wiretaps were illegal, who really cares anyway? Anything to preserve the Union. After all, even Abraham Lincoln suspended Habeus Corpus during the Civil War. And what's the "War on Terror" in comparison to that? A picnic, some would say (don't forget the bagels.) Thank you.

Thank you for Wall Street...

Regulation just chokes progress...and how many Maybachs are too many? If your fiscal policies led to the fall of Lehman Brothers and others, many would say "good riddance!" Deregulation allows for the rich to become very rich and isn't that the American way? To go from rags to riches? If it's true that the policies of your administration led to the collapse of the housing market and the fall of many big businesses then thanks for that. Too much competition. Too many choices. You really helped make our lives simpler. Nice job! And you look so authoritative in that bulletproof hybrid from Detroit...oh, sorry...you would look good in it if you had one.

And finally...

Thank you for torture...

Torture is an effective way to get people to do what you want. That's common knowledge. Mothers "torture" their kids until they clean their rooms. Advertisers "torture" us until we buy their products. Weather "tortures" us until we move. "Torture" rocks, in and out of quotation marks! Now, I know, the US doesn't torture, even though you said we maybe, actually, did. You were probably just misunderestimating the level of interrogative pressure that had been placed on the non-combatant detainees at Guantanamo...and everyone knows that Cuba is a beautiful place to visit, especially if you're into the 50's...so what are the detainees complaining about? A paid holiday in a Caribbean paradise? Better than the stone age splendor in the mountains of Afghanistan. Well done!

So...just plain old thank you Mr. President. Thank you for everything. Most of all, thank you for not declaring martial law and suspending the election as your "October Surprise."

And now, to quote Gary De Carlo, Paul Leka and Dale Frashuer who wrote the following:

"Na, na, na, na

Na, na, na, na

Hey, hey...

GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"