The Small Print

First let me say the following before I launch off into my "Tirade du Jour."  Incidentally a tirade is an event in which someone pilfers neckwear from your closet in a black ops kind of way.

Ok...I recently saw a report on TV about energy drinks and how one company is changing the way in which it classifies its' product so as to avoid having to report dangerous side effects.

The report included an interview with a paid spokesman...a doctor...who was trying to make the case for the change.  He was prattling on about this and that justification when it just seemed like he was dodging the question.  Fair enough.  The company is paying him.  What else is he going to say?  "You might die from using our product so, drink up!"  Yeah, right.

So...tirade time.  Strap in and prepare yourself. This is going to be a doozie...a real humdinger!
But it's a two-parter so here's Part I.

Tirade Part I

Almost every pharmaceutical ad on television has a voiceover stating that if you use the drug you may open yourself up to a host of problems.

"If you use XYZ you may have intestinal bleeding, loss of hearing, palpitations, hives, loss of appetite, loss of sexual urge, dental pain and/or memory loss, kidney stones, boils and longer toenails. Consult your doctor and funeral home before using XYZ."

Hmmmm...think I'll run right out and git me some!  And the drug in question is for sleep loss...which will be rendered totally ineffective by virtue of the fact that the disclaimer will keep you awake with all of the worry about its' use!

Beauty shots of people swimming or reading or picking flowers or hugging and all of the above as voiceover?  That's a marriage made in heaven.

I understand it.  The government makes the companies put all of that stuff in, but Jeez...what a downer.  I just want to look at the pretty pictures.  I'm so depressed now that I am losing sleep...which I wasn't before...and I have no where to turn other than the bottle.  That's no good either because I don't want the hangover...for which I am sure there is a drug with side effects that will make me sicker than the after effects of the drinking.  No win here as far as I can tell...

Tirade Part II

I have decided to buy an electron microscope.  I looked on Craigslist and found one in Atlanta, offered by the CDC, for $1,000,000.00   It's being sold in order to raise some cash because of budget cuts due to the "Sequester."  The CDC uses it to examine strains of viruses that cause disease.  It is also used to look at pharmaceuticals that make us sick when properly used.  Like the ones for sleeplessness.  See a theme emerging here...?

The reason I'm getting it, and I will be getting a 50% loan from Mitt Romney, is so I can read the INCREDIBLY SMALL PRINT that accompanies many television ads.

You know...the paragraph that appears on the screen during the final few seconds of an ad that explains all of the legal details of using the product.

The print is, a) unreadable, b) on the screen for only a millisecond and, c) is unreadable.

Again, I know that it is there because the government mandates it so as to protect the consumer from fraud.

The fraud is that it is,  a) unreadable, b) on the screen for only a millisecond and, c) is unreadable.

(I plagiarized that last line from a file at the Department of Redundancy Department.)

If it's going to be there it should be readable and on the screen for the entirety of the ad.  Just like the
voiceover in the pharmaceutical ad.

But that would make too much sense.

Why would legislation enacted to protect the consumer actually do that?

Ask your Congressman.  He'll know.  Just call him on his cell. 

You'll find him poolside, in Bimini, enjoying an energy drink, on the junket paid for by the lobby that forced the "Truth in Advertising" bills into containing none whatsoever.