Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to The Donald

Here's the wonderful thing about people like "The Donald" John Trump.

They think we think they're great.

We don't. We're not laughing with them, we're laughing at them.

Charlie Sheen. Kate Gosselin. Bristol Palin. They are like car wrecks. We just can't seem to look the other way.

These people take themselves so seriously and are so fawned over by their accolytes that they can't hear the snickering going on behind their backs. No one else takes them seriously. Well maybe their accountants, lawyers and managers. But they don't count. They're just in it for the money.

And God knows The Donald has plenty of that. He's is a gabillionaire and he never let's us forget it. He figured out how to take his father's successful business and make it even more so. He gilds everything as if he is trying to legitimize himself by being covered in gold. Remember the urban myth about the girl in Goldfinger? And we all know how that was supposed to have turned out.

He marries beautiful women and puts his name on everything. No subltety there. Not for Donald Trump. No siree. Trump Tower. Trump Casino. Trump this...

If he bought a ski resort he'd name one of the bunny slopes The Trump Jump.

If he bought a landfill he'd name it The Trump Dump.

When he's depressed he's in a Trump Slump.

If he cut down a tree he'd be left with a Trump Stump...which is also what his campaign appearances are called.

When his hair is messed up it's affectionately reffered to as a Trump Frump.

And one of his followers is known as a Trump Chump.

A handful of his land is called a Trump Clump.

And last but not least...if he were a hunchback he'd have a...Trump Hump.

Sorry...one more...a sugar cube from his sugar bowl is called a Trump Lump...or a bump on his head, which is also known as a Trump Bump...which is also the name for a speed inhibitor on his long driveway...and a dance that he popularized and also what he calls the act of firing an employee...or what happens when he gets your seat on the plane and you are left to spend the night in one of his hotels...at your expense.


He is the master of "the deal." Fine. He knows how to schmooze and now he has enough money to intimidate.

He went from being a salesman on coffee to a salesman on steroids. But he'll never be anything but a salesman nevertheless.

Now he's trying to sell us on the notion that he would make a good president. Does he really think that we are that stupid? Well, actually, we might be if you look at the fact that we elected Ronald Reagan (twice) and George W. Bush (at least once...)

Maybe Trump is counting on the fact that most Americans are approaching the age at which they will be sporting comb overs of their own and will be able to relate to a man who has one. Women too...

After all we loved Reagan's cowboy act as well as W's. Never mind that Reagan was from Illinois and Bush is from New Haven. I went to school for a bit in Illinois and grew up near New Haven and I'm here to tell you that neither place is famous for cowboys. Cows maybe but not cowboys.

So Donald Trump is trying to parlay his hard earned celebrity into a chance to buy The White House. If he's elected his first official act will be to rename the First Family residence.

He'll call it The Trump House. And he'll paint it gold.

And he'll fire The White House barber. He won't need him.

Nobody else could do that hair but Himself.

The Man. The Legend. The Great Pontificator (I will relinquish my title in this instance...)

The President...?

God help us.

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