Thursday, November 8, 2012


"My name is Ichabod Scmaltz and I am the president of Citizens Responsible for Appropriate Punditry.
May I ask you a few questions about your loss in the presidential race?"
"Sir, why do you think you were so unpopular with most everybody who is walking upright in this country depsite the faux displays of excitement and adoration manufactured by the Republican Party and, in some cases, your very own family?"
"I think it is because I appeared to stand for nothing in particular with any real conviction,
seemed to say anything to anyone in order to get their support and didn't convey any sense of empathy for any of the voters with the exception of the members of my country clubs, worldwide."
"Fair enough.  And why do you think the voters were unimpressed with your background given your success as an alleged bully in private school, having been born into a wealthy family, giving the impression that you dodged the War in Vietnam by taking a missionary position in France, creating a great fortune by buying companies, laying off thousands and shipping their jobs overseas and having several houses around the country including one with a car elevator?"
"It is probably because most folks don't understand the efficiency of having several houses.  Whenever Ann and I travel we save hundreds of dollars on hotels by being able to stay at home.  And the elevator saves wear and tear on my cars as well as creates fuel economy given that I don't have to drive as far.  I just pull into the elevator and Presto!  I'm home!"
" I see.  And sir, you have been an advocate of a strong military.  Several years ago you said, in response to a question about your five son's military service at the height of the Iraq War, that they were serving the country by helping to try to get you elected president.  Was that a mistake?"
"No, not at all.  I was fortunate to have a rich, connected father during the Vietnam era.  That gave me options.  My sons have the same advantage as do their children.  I feel that it is the reponsibility of all parents to provide their kids with every advantage.  If a parent is on welfare, for example, then they are on a first name basis with their case worker and can introduce their child to that worker so that the child gets every advantage that the welfare program can offer.  That is all I was saying about my wonderful boys.  They were simply using the options I was able to give them as a loving father."
"Hmmm, I think I understand.  One last thing Governor.  Now that you have been resoundingly rejected by a  majority of the American people and by many in the hierarchy of your own party, will you retiure from politics or will you follow the example of another revered Republican, Richard Nixon, and come around again in four years and mount another campaign?"
"I believe in 'never say never.' I will take some time off now after this exciting, yet grueling, campaign, spend time with my family either in New Hampshire, California or Massachusetts, take the dog for a car ride and then evaluate my choices going forward.  I may decide to get back into the business buying business because their are so many opportunities, right here in the good ol' US of A, especially in Detroit, which, at one time I called home.  I hear that they are selling everything there.  I might even bid on the city itself and then I could send it to China.  Imagine.  The Shanghai Pistons or the Beijing Red Wings or the Hong Kong Tigers.  The Tigers might go all the way again next year and that would finally create a true World Series which then, in turn, I could run if I were to be appointed baseball commissioner which I would love.  I love baseball.  I love the uniforms and the Cracker Jacks and the seventh inning stretch.Going to games makes me feel like a real American. Just like George W. Bush.  He loves baseball too, you know.  He wanted to be the commissioner as well, back in the day."
"Thank you Governor.  Good luck and give my best to Mrs. Romney."
"I will and thank you Mr. Scmaltz for a wonderful interview and fair questions.  But may I ask you one question?"
"Did you vote for me?"